[Note- lots of cursing in following journal]

Yesterday I spotted an article on aim.com about a certain catastrophic event that took place at Virginia tech, a State University located in the town of Blacksburg where 31 students were gunned down and killed by an unknown assailant. I read the title in one quick glance. "Worst U.S. shooting ever kills 33 on Va. campus" My train of thought lingers, but not too long. Like Columbine. Worst one in US history. Then I left the computer. A friend just called. I'm a little sad, but otherwise unconnected. I can't keep her waiting, after all. And so I leave and the event never occurs to me for the rest of the day.

The next morning I wake up and Virginia creeps up again like a ghost. The quiet drive to school is interrupted by the wiry screeching of a radio station featuring one of the most irritating, self-righteous egotistical radio personalities to exist in the media. He's talking about the shooting and despite my irate dislike for this man, I listen. Somewhere along the line my resentment for that man ceases to matter. He's talking about the shooting. Between abject shock and stagnant silence between me and my sister, there is a chilling moment when I recall just how detached I had felt upon reading the headline the day prior.

Somewhere along the line, I realize in a moment of shame that I haven''t cared enough and I SHOULD have. Inside, an inner part of me wants to slap myself in the face becausethe deaths of 31 innocent people SHOULD matter no matter who I am, or how far away it is from me.

The radio announcer I had previously loathed is practically yelling the shit out of the listeners and a few phone callers about how inexcusable lack of action on the part of the faculty. He rants about how a lockdown or at least an announcement or a warning would have served to save maybe just ONE of those 31 lives lost in the shooting. I don't say a word because you know what?

I agree.

I hate his show like I hate five week old meatloaf, and under normal circumstances I would have changed the station so fast it would have made my sister dizzy. But for fifteen minutes on the highway to my own currently casualty-free campus, I sit there while he rants and raves like a madman and I think to myself, "That's right, T-man. You fucking SING it."

The morning drags myself on as I find myself in my music10a class. I pull out my laptop and start taking notes on Word- there's a quiz tomorrow and I've got to pay attention- heaven forbid I score badly. And then, the ghost of Virginia Tech creeps back up from behind. A couple of keyboard strokes and a couple of selective clicks and I start reading overall articles [link] , motivational theories [link] , and finally the most chilling: personal accounts of the shooting from someone inside . I can feel someone reading over my shoulder. And I can see someone to my right leaning over slightly. His eyes are on my screen. The three of us don't know each other, but three pairs of eyes scan an article at once and all else fades to background noise.

blueiyed (10:37:35 AM): ug?
chiknman (10:37:10 AM): ey joke
chiknman (10:37:24 AM): day haha
chiknman (10:37:28 AM): snow day*
blueiyed (10:39:25 AM): i'm on lockdown under a desk right now..there's been shootings on campus and 1 person has been killed and another injured

chiknman (10:38:54 AM): wtf?
chiknman (10:38:57 AM): at vt?
blueiyed (10:40:33 AM): yeh put cnn on
chiknman (10:39:07 AM): what the shit
blueiyed (10:40:51 AM): watch the news and tell me whats going on
chiknman (10:39:44 AM): they dont have it on there
chiknman (10:39:48 AM): ill check other stations
blueiyed (10:42:17 AM): ok its on the news tho i promise b/c drew was telling me then he had to go to class
chiknman (10:41:18 AM): ya its on fox news
chiknman (10:41:19 AM): 1 sec
blueiyed (10:42:58 AM): ok
chiknman (10:42:19 AM): moms here
chiknman (10:42:36 AM): hey
blueiyed (10:44:06 AM): ok i tried calling her
chiknman (10:42:40 AM): what's going on now
blueiyed (10:44:25 AM): we can hear cops outside talking on loud phones
chiknman (10:43:00 AM): there's a gunman who shot someone
chiknman (10:43:05 AM): they said he's near the dorms
blueiyed (10:44:44 AM): apparently an ra was shot and 2 pewople jumped from the building and one person walked out bloody of burress

chiknman (10:43:34 AM): that's the building they are showing
chiknman (10:43:42 AM): reporter in pritcher hall
blueiyed (10:45:21 AM): no it happened in west aj [
chiknman (10:44:08 AM): hang on
chiknman (10:44:57 AM): west ambler johnston hall
blueiyed (10:46:31 AM): yeh
chiknman (10:45:01 AM): is he still there?
blueiyed (10:46:39 AM): yeh apparently
chiknman (10:49:13 AM): are you class or at home
blueiyed (10:51:00 AM): im in class under a desk
chiknman (10:49:36 AM): oh dear god
blueiyed (10:51:13 AM): yeh
chiknman (10:49:47 AM): what happened
blueiyed (10:51:17 AM): my thoughts exactly
blueiyed (10:51:40 AM): we heard the cops outside on their mega phones so we turned the lights off and drew the blinds and go on the floor

chiknman (10:50:33 AM): how did you know what was going on and to get down
blueiyed (10:52:22 AM): b/c we were getting e-mails from the university
chiknman (10:52:08 AM): oh
blueiyed (10:53:55 AM): OMG
blueiyed (10:54:14 AM): i just found out the 1st shooting happened at 7:15 we didn't get a damn e-mail until 9:30!!
chiknman (10:52:49 AM): is the teacher taking charge or is someone in communication w/ the outside
blueiyed (10:54:44 AM): yeh hes been calling and getting updates and our doors are locked, lights off and blinds shit
chiknman (10:54:49 AM): you mean shut or is shit a Fruedian slip
chiknman (10:55:01 AM): what class is this?
chiknman (10:55:16 AM): and you thought h.s. taught you lessons
blueiyed (10:57:47 AM): shut shoot...media writing we're all like writing articles about it..yeh seriously like this is such terrible press for us i can't believ this

chiknman (11:00:09 AM): don't worry about the press. Worry about surviving
blueiyed (11:02:05 AM): unconfirmed report from campous spokesperson: 2 people have been apprehended , 2 people killed
chiknman (11:01:00 AM): are they killed students?
chiknman (11:01:11 AM): who are the apprehended
blueiyed (11:02:43 AM): yeh i htink so i'm not sure
blueiyed (11:02:46 AM): i don't know
chiknman (11:01:26 AM): do i have the ability to log on to vt website and get the news?
chiknman (11:01:37 AM): what's the site
blueiyed (11:03:24 AM): this is what i'm hearing in class
blueiyed (11:04:25 AM): 5-6 gunshots outside my building =-O
chiknman (11:03:13 AM): right now - shooting?
blueiyed (11:06:13 AM): like 5 mins ago
blueiyed (11:06:45 AM): 7-8 casualities
chiknman (11:09:31 AM): are they students?
chiknman (11:10:59 AM): they said there were 2 shootings
chiknman (11:11:09 AM): one at 7:15 and the other at 10 ish
chiknman (11:11:19 AM): they said they have one person in custody
blueiyed (11:13:43 AM): apprently they have 2 in custodyu
blueiyed (11:15:08 AM): we just got this e-mail
blueiyed (11:15:09 AM): In addition to an earlier shooting today in West Ambler Johnston, there has been a multiple shooting with multiple victims in Norris Hall.

[The conversation is interrupted while the three exchange news forwarded from friends]

Police and EMS are on the scene.

Police have one shooter in custody and as part of routine police procedure, they continue to search for a second shooter.

All people in university buildings are required to stay inside until further notice.

All entrances to campus are closed.

[The conversation resumes]
blueiyed (11:19:10 AM): apparently a gf and bf were in a fight and an ra came in and told them to keep it down and the guy shot the ra in the leg and killed the girl

chiknman (11:18:31 AM): great!
chiknman (11:18:45 AM): why did he have a gun on campus?
blueiyed (11:20:44 AM): good ques

MylittleMommy (12:10:57 PM): are you there?
MylittleMommy (12:11:02 PM): what hall are you in now?
blueiyed (12:14:44 PM): still in shanks
blueiyed (12:15:01 PM): we aren't allowed to leave anymore
MylittleMommy (12:15:46 PM): why
blueiyed (12:17:29 PM): 20 fatalities
MylittleMommy (12:16:20 PM): dead or wounded
blueiyed (12:17:56 PM): dead
MylittleMommy (12:17:32 PM): Fox said 21 wounded / 1 dead
MylittleMommy (12:17:43 PM): the hospital is giving out this information so it's correct
blueiyed (12:20:03 PM): no this was just updated
MylittleMommy (12:18:34 PM): the president is coming on the air to give a news recap of events
blueiyed (12:20:51 PM): 1 person believed to be shooter is killed
MylittleMommy (12:21:31 PM): who killed him - the police? was the shooter a student?
blueiyed went away at 12:21:55 PM.
MylittleMommy(12:21:58 PM): the police is staging release of the buildings
________________________________

Auto Response from blueiyed (12:23:28 PM): stranded in shanks..about to have a breakdown why is this happening?
________________________________

blueiyed (12:23:57 PM): yeh i heard that
MylittleMommy (12:23:36 PM): now they said 20 dead
MylittleMommy (12:23:54 PM): the police chief is very vague with his information - still under investigation is what he's saying

MylittleMommy (12:24:09 PM): any idea when they'll let you out?
blueiyed (12:26:06 PM): i think soion
MylittleMommy (12:24:42 PM): are you okay
MylittleMommy (12:24:50 PM): they're saying they think it was 1 gunman
blueiyed (12:27:34 PM): yeh i'm just freaking out i want to come home i don't want to be here
MylittleMommy (12:27:45 PM): well they have counselors lined up and church service planned for healing. If you want to come home, I'll talk to Dad about a plane ticket.

MylittleMommy (12:27:57 PM): first let's get you out of the building
blueiyed (12:29:35 PM): i might esp if one of my friends was killed or hurt
MylittleMommy (12:28:11 PM): okay
blueiyed (12:29:51 PM): a girl in my cvlass said one of her sorority sisters was shot
MylittleMommy (12:30:25 PM): they're saying the shooter was an asian looking student
MylittleMommy (12:30:37 PM): what sorority
blueiyed (12:32:46 PM): pi phi
MylittleMommy (12:33:01 PM): well, a hysterical mrs brick called work and demanded to speak to me, Dan or have them give them a # where they can reach me. My co-worker called me all shook up saying she needed to talk to me and was a little hysterical

blueiyed (12:34:46 PM): wow
MylittleMommy (12:33:17 PM): aunt michele called all skittery and was asking for you too.
blueiyed (12:34:57 PM): i may be going on cnn to talk
blueiyed (12:35:06 PM): i feel like i'm going to throw up


I close my laptop just in time to focus on the illegible scribbles on the chalkboard. Beethoven, Romanticism. Erl King. Chaikovsky. Just focus on it. Individualistic movements. Quiz. Just focus on studying. You are going to remember what you see, you are going to score well, you are not going to start crying in the middle of class.






Disgusting. Absolutely horrifying, disgusting and I just can't conceive that level of... I just can't.

... I just don't understand such acts of horrible violence. And to be brutally honest, I hope I never do.

I didn't start crying in class after all, and I'm sure I've got no business shedding any tears over people I don't know. I mean, I don't know anyone who went there, I live nowhere near Virginia and neither do any of my relatives. But when I read those panicked text messages and the fantastically chilling words that are coming from these people ... well , it just hits me on a more personal level than I thought possible [link] . When I see the faces and the stories of the people who aren't here anymore, it sticks to you [link] . It's all fucking creepy... and sad.

I guess it strikes me most because these are kids like me, kids who didn't see it coming and kids who had just as much of a future as me.

Pretty soon, everyone will know about it and suddenly people will be sick of talking about it. Soon it'll be used as a textbook example of methods to decrease violent behavior and it will become typical. Other people will use this for their own personal crusades at the expense of the 33 dead [link] . Other people will forget. Other people can't.

In the mean time, 9 words on a 1/2 inch headline have become very, very personal.